pleading with the Gods to not get sick

No body. you are not getting sick. not allowed. don't do this to me! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My thoughts on.... high school

My high school, the one I graduated from, sucked. a lot. I loved it at the time but now i cant figure out why. i was constantly getting drawn into drama and, to be honest, either causing it or something. because it was constantly going on, it didn't have the stigma that most schools attach to it. no one lived "drama free" for even a week at that school. once I graduated and got away from most people, it calmed down and i realized how horrible the place had been.

After high school, I attended college literally up the street from my high school. Which is where the few people who do go to college end up. So I saw the high school people everyday AGAIN because even if they didnt go to college, they would make friends up there and come visit their high school friends. so college and high school collided and i ended up going to High School Part II as i called it. because no matter how much I avoided them, I ended up hearing about everyones bullshit drama. some of it was legitimate concerns and problems and I didn't mind helping with those. But when it became "Bitch gonna die coz she looked at my exboyfriend!", thats when I started running.

When I changed colleges and transfered out, I thought "YAY I'M FREE!" and deleted everyone off my facebook that caused the bullshit drama. I've been living without it now for over a year (jeez i feel like I'm doing AA) and never felt better. But one thing I hadn't realized is that as those high school friends make more friends on campus, they are going to make friends with my old friends and they are going to bring those friends into the drama. so when I talk to these people who i've been friends with for years, i get to hear all about it unless i just rudely say "i left and i don't want to hear about the shit going on there". which I did do and got bitched at for an hour for being a horrible friend.

the other night, I lost another friend to one particular bitch that i thought i was best friends with, but later discovered i was just the latest fad. they dated and he remained friends with me thru that. and now that they are just fuck buddies, he's turned into an asshole and just has become a pretty condescending jerk. I've been friends with this guy for over 4 years.

I hate high school. and it wont leave me alone.

My thoughts on..... relationships

I've had a lot of practice at relationships (romantic and otherwise) and I've only recently started to consider myself a good partner. Part of it is me, and part of it is because I pair myself with people I'm not compatible with. But I've taken a lot of time to think about what I need, what I want, what I'm willing to mildly compromise on. That means in terms of the person, the relationship itself, and from myself.

A relationship of any form is so much more than my words can adequately express. It's not the physical displays. Those are part of some relationships, but not all. A relationship is about sharing. Experiences, memories, emotions, time, events, everything. It's about trust, trusting that person to care about what you say, to interact with you, to keep what you say confidential when its needed. It's about knowing someone, about being there for them through the happy times when its fun and through the sad and hard times when it feels like it will never end. it's about identifying problems or parts of the relationship that aren't perfect and working to fix them before they destroy a relationship, or realizing that this pairing has run its course and parting responsibly.

Most people believe that when you get your heart involved, it gets more complicated. My question is, why isn't your heart involved in your friendships? My relationships with my friends are just as important to me as a relationship with a boy I have. My heart gets involved and I love them and care about them. Differently, of course, but I still have my heart in that relationship. So why is it your "heart" that people mention when they talk about a relationship of the romantic variety? Perhaps its just a different part of the heart they are referring to.

When romantic relationships come into play, that's where it gets a little fuzzy for me, but at the same time so much clearer. My friends come in a variety of personalities. I love them for so many reasons and they are truly wonderful people that I can rely on; I don't know what I would do without them.

A romantic relationship crosses a line that is drawn in friendly relationships and becomes a whole new entity. New rules, new expectations, new boundaries, new everything. But the people (in theory) remain the same. At the core of the relationship is friendship. An emotional connection that means you care for this person beyond what is expected in friendship. It's not holding hands, or sex, or kissing or hugging, or cuddling together. That's part of it (usually), but it should not be all of the relationship (of the kind I mean). Romantic relationships should still have that core of friendship tho. You're significant other (notice the wording of that term for "partner" in a romantic relationship. significant, as if a friend isn't? and yet we all understand it to mean the man or woman you as an individual are involved with. sorry, that was a side note) should be someone you can tell absolutely anything to, because you've trusted yourself to them in a way that is only theirs for the time. There may have been someone in the past that was trusted this way, but for some reason that isn't the case anymore and this new/more recent person has taken a place in your heart.

I used to believe that relationships were more for companionship and to fill a place in me that felt empty. Recently tho, I've started realizing I can fill those places all by myself and my friends give me the companionship I crave. I trust them and love them in a way that makes me feel not so lonely and I'm beginning to know myself in a way that allows me to be ok spending hours and hours alone because I see it differently. It's important to have that time. It doesn't make me unpopular or unliked, I could have company if I wanted or needed it. I could have a boyfriend or a "special someone" in my life, but I don't because I'm with me. I'm improving my relationship with friends and learning how to be on my own. I haven't been on my own for a significant (any time over 3 months) amount of time since I was 15 (I believe). I'm 20 now, which means that in over 5 years, I've spent the majority of my time with a boyfriend. I need to get some perspective and remember what its like to be truly single again.

my week summed up

-purple hair
-boyfriend broke up with me
-broken heart, lots of crying
(im summing this up and not going into excrutiating details because really? no one wants to read about how much pain im in and how much i miss him. so i wont bother)
-lots of buffy and making new pillows, jewelry, etc
-homework
-classes
-pink hair
-hanging with Emily and the guys
-gross campus food
-dorm life
-cool RA
-great classes

any questions?

Brown, blonde, Pink, purple

Dear Friend,
I have purple hair. I thought I'd let you know. It took a few tries, but I wanted this pretty badly. My friend Emily helped me so much. First moving into my dorm, which is kick-ass, than with me hair. We've been hanging out a lot lately, its pretty nice. we are watching kid movies and its awesome.
just updating. ill do more later

cracking open wider

just like everyone, there are a million parts of me. a million things that make me who I am. things I want, things im scared of, things I don't know if i should have, etc. ive made a list of ends i've come to.

1) im gonna have an exotic pet of some kind. maybe itll be a strange fish or maybe a monkey, but it will happen.
2) when i have kids, one will be adopted and one will be the natural way. thats gonna hurt...
3) i dont like the number 9. i dont know why. i just dont. i dont want to use it anymore.
4) i'm going to graduate college with higer than a 3.0 GPA. future self, get ready.
5) i will get a tattoo. they are beautiful if they have meaning and every tattoo i've ever wanted has had some deep meaning.
6) i will have purple hair. bright purple. soon though, so that it doesnt interfere with getting job post college
7) ill lose weight. i dont want to look back in 30 years and regret how i looked. I don't think i'm fat, but im not healthy either
8) im going to get more organized.
10) i'm going to continue making my own jewelry
11) i'll continue singing.

ive given up on extra piercings, skydiving, dropping out of college, being a hippy, or ever joining an organized religion. getting over my biggest fears are also not going to happen.

Don't write me off just yet

I'm a senior in college. I talked to my adviser and she confirmed. I could graduate this year. I'm not going to though. I want to study abroad. and I'm not ready for the "real" world yet. I've still got some growing up to do. I still have a lot to see and learn and do before I'm ready. And maybe this time next year I'll be pulling my hear screaming in frustration, but I guess I could graduate in December if if bothered me so much that I can't wait. But I want the May graduation with my friends. So I'm waiting.

Patrick and I are still together. Happier than ever. I'm going to Chicago in 18 days to see him. I'll spend 6 days there before I have to come back home. It's going to be amazing. Tomorrow is 7 months together. Feels like so much longer and yet no time at all.

I'm still at Lowe's. It's been over a year (by 3 days) that I've worked there. Yick. Well I get a raise soon, that's exciting. I've spent my summer so far doing summer classes, working, cleaning and redoing my room, and going to the pool with Jack and Mom. I bought a cookbook yesterday. The kind that you put your own recipes into. I'm copying the recipes my family makes that I love so that I can have them when I go to college, and eventually when I live on my own. I can't wait for the first time that I pull out my cookbook to start cooking. Patrick can't either lol.

Today we had Tornado sirens going off and they woke me up so we all had to rush to the basement. It lasted about 30 minutes, than we all got to go do whatever because the warnings were all over.

Ok. now that I'm done with this awkward entry... I'll go do more homework. bye

growl

i hate my room mate. this is a pointless blog post except that i need to vent.

-she spends little to no time in the room. not actually a problem except that she wont let me change anything about the room. people tell me i should just do it, but its still technically her room
-when she IS in the room, she's so ridiculously annoying. wont leave me alone, pokes me, uses these baby voices that are moronic and plays the radio LOUDLY with obnoxious music
-she doesn't go to her classes than complains about how hard her classes are
-talks about her sex life in detail that i do NOT want to know
-keeps me up til painfully late at night when she decides to stay in the room the one night every few weeks


ok kind of done venting

fair?

im glad so many people find me to be someone they can talk to and one to go to for advice, entertainment, or a shoulder to lean on. But i feel like for many people that as soon as i need that in return, they are either not there or they try to be supportive in ways that arent helpful at all. but people want me to change so they can get along better with me and refuse to accept they are any part of the problem, or they come to me multiple times a day wanting hours long chats and i cant give it anymore. but i feel horrible telling them these things so i try to compromise and multitask so im not up til 4am doing homework. but than im not an attentive friend and im not answering fast enough. i feel selfish, but i have enough going on in MY life right now, that i cannot deal with everyone else's problems. i can be there for a few people, but not everyone i know. i can be there for you, but not for half my day everyday. and if i listen and help you so much, is it possible that you could do the same for me? now this doesnt apply to everyone, just the ones who seem to believe im a therapist and one to take out their stresses on.

does that seem fair?

its been a bit

I wanted to be posting more, but I have had so much going on lately that it’s been hard to find the energy and motivation to write.

I’m involved in another play. I work with props this time around. The job is pretty simple but it gets complicated when I have to be doing 4 things at once and a 30 minute job needs to be done in 10 minutes. When props go missing or break or need to be changed, or an actor put it down somewhere and doesn’t remember where… these are all things I deal with everyday now. During the show, I sit backstage and switch props out as needed. Before and after I pull them out and put them away. It means that I don’t have a life for 10 days. No weekend twice in a row, which I’m used to because I work all weekend usually than do homework after. Most college students see the weekend as a time to hang out, party, sleep all day, shop, play video games, etc. My weekends are filled with long work shifts, lots of homework time, meeting with my family and talking about school. I hang out with friends, but usually not for very long. So the losing my weekend is not so bad. It’s the sitting for hours and being quiet that gets me. For some reason it’s exhausting. Then again, I sit and have to be attentive and listening for cues and can never really relax. But I love knowing that I help make the show a success so it’s all good.

My classes are going well. I’m taking 4 theatre classes and one sociology class. I have all As and Bs as far as I can tell, but I haven’t gotten graded assignments back in a few of the classes. I got the best grade I have ever received on a theatre history exam the other day and so I am pretty happy about it. I have been working my butt off in school so it’s nice to see it all paying off.

Well, my spring break is coming up. It happens to be the week after my old college’s spring break, and so I was going to go there for a few days. But that didn’t pan out. So my spring break plans are to sit in my house, work what shifts I get, and possibly visit my grandfather. The part that really sucks is that my birthday is over spring break. And everyone is either going on vacation or not from the area so they are going home. Last year people forgot my birthday and I was still healing from a surgery 3 days earlier so I couldn’t do anything.

project partner

I really really dislike working in groups, especially when the partner is a freshman music major. She has "no time" even though I see her hanging out all over campus during the day. We have had this project for a month and I'm so very close to sending the professor an email explaining that I have done all the work.

The assignment is to do a video essay about a topic of our choosing. We all went through and discussed topics we'd be interested in and as people found similar topics they partnered up. My partner and I were the last 2 left and she wasn't interested in my topic (how society views breaking "the norm" as age applies. basically how if a 19 year old breaks the social norms its seen as kind of normal but if a 42 year old does its seen as rude). Her topic was gender roles which was interesting to me so I didn't mind using her topic. We had to narrow it down and it took 2 weeks to get her to agree to any sort of narrowing down of topic so we could create questions for interviews. Another week to arrange the questions and get the camera.

Well out of the 13 interviews we have, 8 of them are mine. She didn't even stick to the questions we wrote out. instead of asking "What are your views on gender roles" and "what is a gender role", she asks "what is feminine? what is masculine?" They are similar and feminine and masculine are part of a gender role but they are NOT the same thing! on top of that, the camera moves so much it makes you sea sick to watch and they person being interviewed is barely in the view of the camera! even though i offered her the camera stand. she biases them in every way possible by using terms like "genderfuck" and "screwed up". im not sure how much we can use from her interviews because they arent anything near what we agreed upon.

now, finally, on a friday we were supposed to meet to do edits and add music so this can all be done monday (hopefully) or wednesday (due). i find out that the cord she was supposed to get wednesday.... she still doesnt have. its a 5 minute process to get. so 10 min before my class i run to the lab to get the cord before it closes than run to class and plug the camera into the firewire, only to find out its for a Mac. I have a Dell. so i now cant use the cable. its 2pm on a friday. i get out of class at 3 and wont have time to get the cable and everything onto my computer in time to turn in the cable by the time the offices close (we cant keep them over the weekend).

I take responsibility for the fact that we should have started this earlier and I should have been harder on her about picking a topic and getting it done. i should have asked the professor if i could do this alone. I should have talked to the girl earlier about getting this done early. but i got all my interviews done in 6 hours. all the equipment is taken out in my name because she refused to go get it. and now she wont do editing because she "isn't good with technology". i really want to tell her to fuck off.

To dye for?

I love to dye my hair. the color change makes me feel good about myself and I could never figure out why until today. It's something that I control and no one else. When things feel like I have no control, I change the color. And I realized recently that I had done it when I lost control of things that I hadn't really lost control of. If that makes sense outside my head. When my grades weren't too good, when I had made a bad impression and it needed to be a good one.
well today I feel like i lost control. I'm having mood swings and I cant get control of them. my grandfather isn't doing fantastic. getting better but I'm still scared all the time for him. my mom is taking care of him and so she can't be home and I miss her terribly. my roommate is barely around. and i feel like I'm drowning in school work sometimes. i feel like no matter how i try to make friends i fail and i end up being known as a freak. its not as bad as it could be, but the whole emotional roller coaster makes it worse and makes me freak out. so I'm trying temporary color. coz I'm only kinda losing control?

bitchfest. because I have no roommate to talk to.

so lately I feel like I've been slipping through the cracks. My roommate has this new boyfriend and because of that she is never around anymore. She drives me crazy sometimes, but I guess that's to be expected when you live with your friend. It'd be nice if she was around, because I kinda need someone to talk to. Not like "oh my world is falling apart I desperately need a friend." But when the little things bug me or make me happy, its nice to have someone there to talk to. It's one of the big reasons I gave up a single and got a roommate, because I was sick of being alone in the room all the time. Well that went well for a little bit, but now I'm alone all the time, because my friends have their own plans with their roommates. And mine spends all her time, even nights, at her boyfriend's house. Than she comes back for clothes and won't really talk to me because her boyfriend is out in the car and she doesn't want to keep him waiting.

My boyfriend spends a ton of time with his friends. Which is fantastic, and I'm really happy about that. antisocial guys are kinda clingy. But usually he spends like 4-5 hours with them (not including classes together and meals) and plays video games for hours. Then tells me he can only spend like 1-2 hours with me because he doesn't have enough time. sometimes I get to see him for longer than that. Like last night he came over early because he had plans with his friends when he's usually with me. so I got him for about 3 hours which was amazing. But that doesn't happen much. If I want to spend more time with him, it's at meals or watching him play video games sometimes. woo hoo?

And because of the fact that my grandparents are sick, my mom is in NY and my dad has to be taking care of the house and my brother and his job. So I don't get to spend much time with them. So overall, I guess I'm feeling alone. which i know I'm really not, but it really really feels like it. i keep trying to go do stuff with my friends from last semester, but they are always doing things that cost money, or i have to get a ride because I found out after they've left. it feels like they don't want me around. So here I sit. In my dorm room. Alone. As usual. And this is what I'll be doing tonight as well. Doesn't this sound like a blast?

Grandparents

So in the past few months, my grandparents on my moms side have not been doing well. My grandmother became ill fist, but its arguable she's been ill for a while. She has never been a pleasant person (in my lifetime, if she was it was before my memory), but it got much worse. Due to strokes she has had (in all honesty I don't remember when, just that they occurred), she developed Dementia. She forgets when and where she is, and at times forgets who her own family is. It's a harsh feeling, knowing that my own grandmother doesn't think I exist or remember my name at times, but I try not to take it personally. It's not on purpose, and I have an odd feeling she would feel truly bad if she knew that she forgets. She would never admit it or apologize though. Its a strange feeling, being hurt by a women who I have not thought highly of my whole life. It's strange wanting her to remember me when most of my life I would have considered it a blessing to be ignored. It's hard realizing that I really love my grandmother and that I'll be sad when she dies. I'm still not sure how to deal with that. Which sounds harsh and callous, but I do not feel like going into why this is a new feeling. nearly 20 years of history cannot be conveyed properly in one blog.

My grandfather is also not doing well. Lately he's been getting better, but there was a time when we didn't think he'd be around much longer. His heart had been having difficulties. That was the hardest part. My grandfather and I aren't close in the sense that he lives a block down and I spend all my free time with him, but I like to consider him close. He knows about most of my life and he comments. He and I have our traditions and memories and I don't know what I'd do without him. Someday I'll have to figure that out, but it can't happen for many many years. I wouldn't be able to handle losing him now, and neither would my mom. My mom and my grandfather are incredibly close. I hope that my dad and I are like that. They get each other and my grandfather acts differently with her. It's very touching.

I just needed to write about this somewhere. This is a good a place as any.

An interesting thing happened on the way to the dining hall

A very interesting thing happens when you move. you start to realize how you felt about people or things from your past that you wouldn't have realized otherwise, or would have taken much longer to discover. i miss going to the pizza place, Papa Vs, and ordering without a menu. I miss being around campus and knowing a million people. I miss Mansfield when it snows and sitting in Manser to avoid the weather. And being with my fraternity family.

And the strangest thing is that I've realized i miss people I never thought I'd miss. People that in reality I barely knew, but enjoyed seeing them anyway. I miss my friends back home and I miss seeing people I've come to consider a second family. I miss my older brother so badly. Even after all that happened in that tiny town, all the bullshit and drama and pain. It's home to me, or at least the first place I consider home.

Sugar, Spice, and everything's nice

Science shows that those who think happy thoughts and tend to be healthier individuals who lead longer lives. in an society where we love to complain, whine, moan, and watch terribly depressing news stations, one website has decided to listen to science.

http://www.gratitudelog.com asks "What are you grateful for?" on a daily basis, challenging its members to think positively and live longer. My mom first showed me the site and since than I have joined the club of happy posters. it works a lot like twitter, with short postings and not much else. but its full of smiles, happy thoughts, rainbows, puppies and flowers.

to follow what I'm grateful for, look up my username: rennermj15

Something borrowed, something blue

so as some may know, my friend raquel has been living with me this break. well we watch movies nearly every night. the other night we had a girly fest. watched "bride wars" and "love actually" and this prompted discussions of what we want our own hypothetical weddings to be like. and after discussing this for about 30-45 minutes it hit me how dumb it was. of course a wedding should be a glorious occassion celebrating love. but why does it have to be in the perfect place on the perfect day? why cant it just be in a pretty garden with the person you love most and want to spend forever with instead of the average 178 guests? thats a lot of people to witness such a momentous moment in your life. it seems to me that most people want a wedding, not a marriage. and with the divorce rate in the USA, I don't think I'm too far off. why spend thousands on a dress you can only wear once?! its just so irresponsible. with close to 6,200 per day (2.3 million per year), you'd think that it would help our economy, especially since the average wedding costs $20,000 (72 billion per year). why has moment become such a lavish event? why do we feel its our duty to break the bank so everyone else can enjoy the wedding while the bride and groom sweat over it, hoping it all goes perfectly?

weddings seems to have become a very profitable area. maybe divorce parties will be the next big thing?


facts collected from

who I am hates who I've been

im not proud of who i've been. at my previous college I made mistakes involving my friends, classes, and boyfriend. i kind of need a place to write it out. so feel free to read this, or not.

as far as my friends go, i dont know what happened. things just kept happening and pulling us apart. and we could have done more, but we didnt when it would have made a difference. i tried, but than i'd hide with my boyfriend and justify it to myself. and my last semester i was with my fraternity all the time. which i dont regret at all. they are my family and i love them so much. but i wonder where id be today if my friendships hadnt fallen apart. what if we were still as close as we had been? what if mar and I had stayed close? what if kelly had never come in and caused so much heartache for so many people? what if what if what if. so many of them.

and as for my boyfriend of the time? thats where i really start to hate myself. i was horrible to him. we both were at fault for things, but i did a lot of justifying to myself while dating him. i hope he doesnt hate me, wherever he is. he is a truly great guy, and itd be nice to be friends again. he's a great guy, but we aren't a great couple. manipulation, fights, passive aggressive behavior, and anger in general were a regular part of our relationship and for that i am sorry to him. he deserves nothing but the best, and i hope he gets his dreams and everything he wants/deserves. Lou was truly a wonderful guy. we had some great moments so i prefer remembering that over our less than shining moments. i hope thats how he sees it too and doesnt hate me. but im blocked on nearly all social networks, so im pretty sure thats not the case. well, life goes on i guess.

and i end this post with a tune, because there's no way for me to say it better:
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I'm becoming a hermit?

so I'm starting to go crazy. I'm a social person. But as I get older, I've noticed I need more and more time alone. When I was younger, I needed to be around people all the time. Even last year, I needed people. I did well when I was alone, and actually enjoyed the time when my boyfriend (at the time) was at work so I could just sit and enjoy time to myself. But I was still very social. But starting last semester, I found I need a few hours of time where it's just me. Being on my own is very freeing. Maybe that's what happens when you have a single. But for the past month, I've been living with my family and my best friend from Spain. I love them all dearly, but having NO time to myself is driving me nuts. I'm snappish and cranky and jumpy. I NEED time to be left alone so I can do what I want.

something else I've noticed is that the bigger the group of people, the more uncomfortable I get. I'm ok with a small group of 4 or 5, 7 at maximum. But bigger groups make me really uncomfortable now. What is going on with me? Why am I suddenly having problems being social? Being with people makes me self conscious because I get so paranoid about doing something wrong or saying something bad that I just don't enjoy my time with them.

this sucks. I hope I don't become a complete hermit...

"Bad influence"

So I have a question for the world; what the hell? our society seems to be based on stereotypes, lies, double standards, and bad behavior. do we idolize actors and singers and politicians and athletes because they are just like us, or do we idolize them in spite of the fact that they are just like us? its well known that if someone is having publicity problems (namely not getting enough of it), the solution is bad behavior. good deeds get little to know press coverage while one case of DUI gets magazines jumping all over to get the story. So why do we use such people to idolize during their life and only rarely give recognition to those who do good while they are alive. Do-gooders may become famous, but usually its after they have passed on. is this really the image and lifestyle we want to be looking up to? why do marriages like charlie sheen's and tiger woods' get coverage after horrible events when marriages or committed relationships like Johnny Depp's and Jennifer Garner's get little if any? Healthy relationships are so rarely shown on TV and in news because we as a society do not cause a frenzy over good behavior, just the bad. a cheating wife who spends too much causes more hype than a wife who loves her husband and children and does nothing wrong more than the public who watch the shows and lives.

this disgusts me and is something I'd like the see change in the next decade. though that won't happen I'm sure.

decisions, oh the decisions

so I've been trying to decide what to do with this blog. It would be cool to have one topic to blog about, but I still haven't decided what that topic should be. Maybe I'm speaking to open air and I'm the only one who reads this with occasional readings by my Mom. music? movies? school? i dont know what im going to do this thing, but ill figure it out.

its been a while

so grades are in. and i didnt get the grades i wanted or needed. which im very disappointed in myself for. this means a great many things. first, my parents will be making me move home. which i do not think is the right decision. at home, i cant focus on anything because as much as i love my family, we are very distracting. its nearly impossible to get an hour with no interruptions, let alone multiple hours so that I can do proper studying. on top of that, my uncle and soon grandfather live with us. meaning MORE hustle and bustle. combine that with all the schedules and getting me back and forth for classes and study groups and late nights in the shop and shows and work, im going to have barely enough time to get all my work done, let alone adding in travel time. living in the dorms, i can lock myself in my room and refuse to answer the door or the phone. i cant do that here. and i cant insist the entire house be silent for me for hours a day. and my uncle, mom, and grandfather dont work. so the house wont be empty. ever. i get stressed at home as well. i feel like im always being watched and judged, and no one ever really lets me just BE. i need that. i need to find a way to recreate the methods i used in the classes i did well in. and those classes were the ones that involved me talking to classmates over tea at midnight in the lobby of my dorm. the classes i scored highest in were the ones i used unconventional study methods for. and they WORKED. how can i do that with a house quite hour starting at 9? i can do better next semester. i will do better. but not if im forced to come and live with my family. i will go insane.

another reason im dissappointed in myself was i expected higher grades for the effort i put in. i worked like a dog most weekends. id go do something for a few hours, but i spent most of my weekends and nights doing homework. id spend hours in the library after work getting readings done, doing extra readings to supplement what i knew or needed to understand better. i worked my ass off. so why did i still get shitty grades? im not surprised if my parents are angry. i would be. but as student who earned them, i worked harder than my GPA shows.


in other news

ive been dating this guy named patrick for a little while. a month a half actually. its going really well. but i wont jinx it.

broke my wrist a month ago. i hate this stupid fucking cast. my arm hurts so much all the time. if its not from the break, than its from using my arm wrong so i can still use it. like now my shoulder hurts from the odd angle i have to hold my shoulder at to type so my thumb doesnt get in the way (its wrapped in plaster and has a habit of hitting buttons and making things happen that i didnt know COULD happen). owwww. and im almost out of my pain killers...

well ill write more later when my arm isnt hurting. maybe ill tell more about the guy tomorrow?

and i swear, someday ill find a theme for this blasted blog