who I am hates who I've been

im not proud of who i've been. at my previous college I made mistakes involving my friends, classes, and boyfriend. i kind of need a place to write it out. so feel free to read this, or not.

as far as my friends go, i dont know what happened. things just kept happening and pulling us apart. and we could have done more, but we didnt when it would have made a difference. i tried, but than i'd hide with my boyfriend and justify it to myself. and my last semester i was with my fraternity all the time. which i dont regret at all. they are my family and i love them so much. but i wonder where id be today if my friendships hadnt fallen apart. what if we were still as close as we had been? what if mar and I had stayed close? what if kelly had never come in and caused so much heartache for so many people? what if what if what if. so many of them.

and as for my boyfriend of the time? thats where i really start to hate myself. i was horrible to him. we both were at fault for things, but i did a lot of justifying to myself while dating him. i hope he doesnt hate me, wherever he is. he is a truly great guy, and itd be nice to be friends again. he's a great guy, but we aren't a great couple. manipulation, fights, passive aggressive behavior, and anger in general were a regular part of our relationship and for that i am sorry to him. he deserves nothing but the best, and i hope he gets his dreams and everything he wants/deserves. Lou was truly a wonderful guy. we had some great moments so i prefer remembering that over our less than shining moments. i hope thats how he sees it too and doesnt hate me. but im blocked on nearly all social networks, so im pretty sure thats not the case. well, life goes on i guess.

and i end this post with a tune, because there's no way for me to say it better:
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.