so i have determined something: I don't know. not that I don't know what I what I have determined, just that I don't know. it has been my constant answer to the questions I ask myself. what do i want to do with my life? where do i see myself in 10 years besides happy? do i absolutely not care what people think of me? how important is money to me? why do i care so much? why am i questioning my life so much already, im only 19?

She flew away

so much to write about. sorry its been so long but I forgot my password. oops heh

I just needed to post about an artist who in all fairness found me. I still have an active myspace account because its a good way to listen to music and keep in touch with a few friends who dont use facebook. I usually get a few music friend requests a week, and disregard them depending on the type of music (typically is some moron with a mic who thinks he can rap). well I got a friend request from a guy named Joey from WDM (west des moines, same general area i live in) and his two top friends were John Mayer and Jason Mraz. both of whom i like. So i gave it a listen and im loving this music so far. go check out his music at http://www.myspace.com/joeyhernandezmusic you will not regret it. his voice is pretty good and his lyrics are good. my personal favorite is "Pennsylvania" but i might be a little biassed ;)

good person= losing keys. this does not add up correctly...

So today was Halloween. and i was so excited. i got all dressed up and went to a few parties. had very little fun. ended up babysitting drunks all night. so the end of the night comes and me and the only other sober person there go to start taking people to their rooms when i realize my phone and keys/ID are gone. panic. so me and the other guy start to retrace out steps and we eventually found my phone. YAY! we walked the ENTIRE path from the last moment i had my keys to when i realized they were gone. no keys OR ID. lucky my dorm key and student ID were the only things in my red change purse, but I love that change purse and its a $60 charge for new keys and ID. $60 that i dont have. yay. so i take care of my friends and do the right thing by making sure they are ok, have a not so fun night so that my friends could have a great one, and what do i get? lost keys. thanks to the other sober guy (who was great and really helpful), i'm back in my room. so i have to pay him back because he paid for me to sleep in my own room tonight. first i have to find him tho...

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me

So another fish died. maybe i should have titled this "Another one Bites the Dust"?

his name was Manos and he was a good little fishy. and im very upset by his passing. i took good care of him. but the thing that makes this weird is that i had 2. i originally got regular size goldfish, Remy and Rogue. Remy died a week later, so Scott took me to walmart and we got me another one. Scott got to name him, and he named him Manos. obviously this fish was a boy. that was .... 3 or 4 weeks ago. and rogue is still alive! and before that, my MALE gecko died. i think im killing my male pets :(. good thing my dogs are both girls...

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

So apparently I have 3 majors. which is kind of news to me! History, Politics, and Technology and Design. I don't think I'll drop any of them yet. I'm still really interested in all of them. But I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. and that makes me nervous. in 5 months I'll be 20 years old. it's kind of daunting. I won't be a teenager anymore.

so in other news... scott and I are friend. And its really great because he's a good guy and I didn't want to lose that friendship. So we hang out and just talk and he helps me figure out what to download for drivers etc.

got a haircut, and new clothes and now i look awesome. lol its such a confidence boost knowing im trimmer and healthier! i cant wait til my cousin's wedding when I get to wear my new red dress. i love it!

"life is like a box of chocolates"

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is like a dryer. its gonna spin you til everything is gone from you and than its gonna keep going until your beaten up so badly you dont know what to do. eventually someone will make it better. but they have to pull you out first and care for you, but eventually you'll get thrown right back in.

another past entry

wow a lot to write. so i've been single a little over a week. and im good. its harder at times than others, but im fine. went out tonight. danced with a guy and had a wonderful time with my best friend here. being single is not horrible.

school is going well. not quite as wonderful as i had hoped, but my classes are really hard. so ill be spending much more time in the library with my homework and books. o joy joy. this will be fun. but on the upside my friend is teaching me spanish and im teaching myself french. so im gonna be trilingual (with any luck) soon. and by that i mean ill be barely competant haha.

something ive learned: i always thought drinking was horrible and why would you want to do that and yadda yadda. but i have drank recently and its not bad. when you get people who cant control themselves and dont know their limit or drink to be drunk, than its bad. but drinking in and of itself is not a bad thing in my mind. im careful about what i drink and who im with. and i know my limits so i know that that last shot would be too much so i should stick with my beer. mixing = not good. just a discovery i have made. i now feel really bad for last semester when id get mad at my friends about it :( .

so i realized tonight completely out of the blue something truly scary. have you ever had one of those relationships where even after is over you think about the person? im not talking every day i cant live without you thoughts. just wondering how they are and hoping they are happy. well id never really had an ex like that. until now. i was looking through old photos when i came across an exboyfriend. its not like he'll ever read this, but i try not to do names in here. started thinking about him and at first i thought i was missing him. and than i realized i dont think i miss him. i miss what we had (when things were going well) because he was a great guy. we werent good together, but as a person he was truly a good man. he's going to make some girl very happy and im glad.

i hated it at the time, because we were always up and down and round and round. things were amazing or horrible. and i couldnt figure out why this was happening!? but now i see i needed that. because at our greatest points he made me so happy, but i needed to see that other side as well to know every guy has his flaws. and if you love someone than the flaws arent going to drive you away. they dont even have to be flaws with the person, just flaws in the relationship or imperfections on how you get along or agree. it was an important lesson

anyway, i just thought it was interesting that i thought of him. because i thought i hated him a while ago. things ended when we both knew it was coming, but i didnt want it to. i loved him. ok ranting about ex boyfriends.... never a good sign haha. anyway. ill sign off now. i have a work call and a haircut early tomorrow. yay!

ex- i hope you are well and happy
world- goodnight
mom- the cookies are delicious, thank you!