So in the past few months, my grandparents on my moms side have not been doing well. My grandmother became ill fist, but its arguable she's been ill for a while. She has never been a pleasant person (in my lifetime, if she was it was before my memory), but it got much worse. Due to strokes she has had (in all honesty I don't remember when, just that they occurred), she developed Dementia. She forgets when and where she is, and at times forgets who her own family is. It's a harsh feeling, knowing that my own grandmother doesn't think I exist or remember my name at times, but I try not to take it personally. It's not on purpose, and I have an odd feeling she would feel truly bad if she knew that she forgets. She would never admit it or apologize though. Its a strange feeling, being hurt by a women who I have not thought highly of my whole life. It's strange wanting her to remember me when most of my life I would have considered it a blessing to be ignored. It's hard realizing that I really love my grandmother and that I'll be sad when she dies. I'm still not sure how to deal with that. Which sounds harsh and callous, but I do not feel like going into why this is a new feeling. nearly 20 years of history cannot be conveyed properly in one blog.
My grandfather is also not doing well. Lately he's been getting better, but there was a time when we didn't think he'd be around much longer. His heart had been having difficulties. That was the hardest part. My grandfather and I aren't close in the sense that he lives a block down and I spend all my free time with him, but I like to consider him close. He knows about most of my life and he comments. He and I have our traditions and memories and I don't know what I'd do without him. Someday I'll have to figure that out, but it can't happen for many many years. I wouldn't be able to handle losing him now, and neither would my mom. My mom and my grandfather are incredibly close. I hope that my dad and I are like that. They get each other and my grandfather acts differently with her. It's very touching.
I just needed to write about this somewhere. This is a good a place as any.
I understand your struggle with your feelings about Grammy. I have had them too. You have been a wonderful granddaughter to her. You need to know that. You will find your way through the complicated feelings. Knowing you have them is the first step.
ReplyDeleteYou and Dad are very very close and I am so happy for that. I want you to have with Daddy what I have with Papa and I see it between you two.
Papa adores you. You two are close. You may not see that but you will.