Something borrowed, something blue

so as some may know, my friend raquel has been living with me this break. well we watch movies nearly every night. the other night we had a girly fest. watched "bride wars" and "love actually" and this prompted discussions of what we want our own hypothetical weddings to be like. and after discussing this for about 30-45 minutes it hit me how dumb it was. of course a wedding should be a glorious occassion celebrating love. but why does it have to be in the perfect place on the perfect day? why cant it just be in a pretty garden with the person you love most and want to spend forever with instead of the average 178 guests? thats a lot of people to witness such a momentous moment in your life. it seems to me that most people want a wedding, not a marriage. and with the divorce rate in the USA, I don't think I'm too far off. why spend thousands on a dress you can only wear once?! its just so irresponsible. with close to 6,200 per day (2.3 million per year), you'd think that it would help our economy, especially since the average wedding costs $20,000 (72 billion per year). why has moment become such a lavish event? why do we feel its our duty to break the bank so everyone else can enjoy the wedding while the bride and groom sweat over it, hoping it all goes perfectly?

weddings seems to have become a very profitable area. maybe divorce parties will be the next big thing?


facts collected from

who I am hates who I've been

im not proud of who i've been. at my previous college I made mistakes involving my friends, classes, and boyfriend. i kind of need a place to write it out. so feel free to read this, or not.

as far as my friends go, i dont know what happened. things just kept happening and pulling us apart. and we could have done more, but we didnt when it would have made a difference. i tried, but than i'd hide with my boyfriend and justify it to myself. and my last semester i was with my fraternity all the time. which i dont regret at all. they are my family and i love them so much. but i wonder where id be today if my friendships hadnt fallen apart. what if we were still as close as we had been? what if mar and I had stayed close? what if kelly had never come in and caused so much heartache for so many people? what if what if what if. so many of them.

and as for my boyfriend of the time? thats where i really start to hate myself. i was horrible to him. we both were at fault for things, but i did a lot of justifying to myself while dating him. i hope he doesnt hate me, wherever he is. he is a truly great guy, and itd be nice to be friends again. he's a great guy, but we aren't a great couple. manipulation, fights, passive aggressive behavior, and anger in general were a regular part of our relationship and for that i am sorry to him. he deserves nothing but the best, and i hope he gets his dreams and everything he wants/deserves. Lou was truly a wonderful guy. we had some great moments so i prefer remembering that over our less than shining moments. i hope thats how he sees it too and doesnt hate me. but im blocked on nearly all social networks, so im pretty sure thats not the case. well, life goes on i guess.

and i end this post with a tune, because there's no way for me to say it better:
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I'm becoming a hermit?

so I'm starting to go crazy. I'm a social person. But as I get older, I've noticed I need more and more time alone. When I was younger, I needed to be around people all the time. Even last year, I needed people. I did well when I was alone, and actually enjoyed the time when my boyfriend (at the time) was at work so I could just sit and enjoy time to myself. But I was still very social. But starting last semester, I found I need a few hours of time where it's just me. Being on my own is very freeing. Maybe that's what happens when you have a single. But for the past month, I've been living with my family and my best friend from Spain. I love them all dearly, but having NO time to myself is driving me nuts. I'm snappish and cranky and jumpy. I NEED time to be left alone so I can do what I want.

something else I've noticed is that the bigger the group of people, the more uncomfortable I get. I'm ok with a small group of 4 or 5, 7 at maximum. But bigger groups make me really uncomfortable now. What is going on with me? Why am I suddenly having problems being social? Being with people makes me self conscious because I get so paranoid about doing something wrong or saying something bad that I just don't enjoy my time with them.

this sucks. I hope I don't become a complete hermit...

"Bad influence"

So I have a question for the world; what the hell? our society seems to be based on stereotypes, lies, double standards, and bad behavior. do we idolize actors and singers and politicians and athletes because they are just like us, or do we idolize them in spite of the fact that they are just like us? its well known that if someone is having publicity problems (namely not getting enough of it), the solution is bad behavior. good deeds get little to know press coverage while one case of DUI gets magazines jumping all over to get the story. So why do we use such people to idolize during their life and only rarely give recognition to those who do good while they are alive. Do-gooders may become famous, but usually its after they have passed on. is this really the image and lifestyle we want to be looking up to? why do marriages like charlie sheen's and tiger woods' get coverage after horrible events when marriages or committed relationships like Johnny Depp's and Jennifer Garner's get little if any? Healthy relationships are so rarely shown on TV and in news because we as a society do not cause a frenzy over good behavior, just the bad. a cheating wife who spends too much causes more hype than a wife who loves her husband and children and does nothing wrong more than the public who watch the shows and lives.

this disgusts me and is something I'd like the see change in the next decade. though that won't happen I'm sure.

decisions, oh the decisions

so I've been trying to decide what to do with this blog. It would be cool to have one topic to blog about, but I still haven't decided what that topic should be. Maybe I'm speaking to open air and I'm the only one who reads this with occasional readings by my Mom. music? movies? school? i dont know what im going to do this thing, but ill figure it out.

its been a while

so grades are in. and i didnt get the grades i wanted or needed. which im very disappointed in myself for. this means a great many things. first, my parents will be making me move home. which i do not think is the right decision. at home, i cant focus on anything because as much as i love my family, we are very distracting. its nearly impossible to get an hour with no interruptions, let alone multiple hours so that I can do proper studying. on top of that, my uncle and soon grandfather live with us. meaning MORE hustle and bustle. combine that with all the schedules and getting me back and forth for classes and study groups and late nights in the shop and shows and work, im going to have barely enough time to get all my work done, let alone adding in travel time. living in the dorms, i can lock myself in my room and refuse to answer the door or the phone. i cant do that here. and i cant insist the entire house be silent for me for hours a day. and my uncle, mom, and grandfather dont work. so the house wont be empty. ever. i get stressed at home as well. i feel like im always being watched and judged, and no one ever really lets me just BE. i need that. i need to find a way to recreate the methods i used in the classes i did well in. and those classes were the ones that involved me talking to classmates over tea at midnight in the lobby of my dorm. the classes i scored highest in were the ones i used unconventional study methods for. and they WORKED. how can i do that with a house quite hour starting at 9? i can do better next semester. i will do better. but not if im forced to come and live with my family. i will go insane.

another reason im dissappointed in myself was i expected higher grades for the effort i put in. i worked like a dog most weekends. id go do something for a few hours, but i spent most of my weekends and nights doing homework. id spend hours in the library after work getting readings done, doing extra readings to supplement what i knew or needed to understand better. i worked my ass off. so why did i still get shitty grades? im not surprised if my parents are angry. i would be. but as student who earned them, i worked harder than my GPA shows.


in other news

ive been dating this guy named patrick for a little while. a month a half actually. its going really well. but i wont jinx it.

broke my wrist a month ago. i hate this stupid fucking cast. my arm hurts so much all the time. if its not from the break, than its from using my arm wrong so i can still use it. like now my shoulder hurts from the odd angle i have to hold my shoulder at to type so my thumb doesnt get in the way (its wrapped in plaster and has a habit of hitting buttons and making things happen that i didnt know COULD happen). owwww. and im almost out of my pain killers...

well ill write more later when my arm isnt hurting. maybe ill tell more about the guy tomorrow?

and i swear, someday ill find a theme for this blasted blog