project partner

I really really dislike working in groups, especially when the partner is a freshman music major. She has "no time" even though I see her hanging out all over campus during the day. We have had this project for a month and I'm so very close to sending the professor an email explaining that I have done all the work.

The assignment is to do a video essay about a topic of our choosing. We all went through and discussed topics we'd be interested in and as people found similar topics they partnered up. My partner and I were the last 2 left and she wasn't interested in my topic (how society views breaking "the norm" as age applies. basically how if a 19 year old breaks the social norms its seen as kind of normal but if a 42 year old does its seen as rude). Her topic was gender roles which was interesting to me so I didn't mind using her topic. We had to narrow it down and it took 2 weeks to get her to agree to any sort of narrowing down of topic so we could create questions for interviews. Another week to arrange the questions and get the camera.

Well out of the 13 interviews we have, 8 of them are mine. She didn't even stick to the questions we wrote out. instead of asking "What are your views on gender roles" and "what is a gender role", she asks "what is feminine? what is masculine?" They are similar and feminine and masculine are part of a gender role but they are NOT the same thing! on top of that, the camera moves so much it makes you sea sick to watch and they person being interviewed is barely in the view of the camera! even though i offered her the camera stand. she biases them in every way possible by using terms like "genderfuck" and "screwed up". im not sure how much we can use from her interviews because they arent anything near what we agreed upon.

now, finally, on a friday we were supposed to meet to do edits and add music so this can all be done monday (hopefully) or wednesday (due). i find out that the cord she was supposed to get wednesday.... she still doesnt have. its a 5 minute process to get. so 10 min before my class i run to the lab to get the cord before it closes than run to class and plug the camera into the firewire, only to find out its for a Mac. I have a Dell. so i now cant use the cable. its 2pm on a friday. i get out of class at 3 and wont have time to get the cable and everything onto my computer in time to turn in the cable by the time the offices close (we cant keep them over the weekend).

I take responsibility for the fact that we should have started this earlier and I should have been harder on her about picking a topic and getting it done. i should have asked the professor if i could do this alone. I should have talked to the girl earlier about getting this done early. but i got all my interviews done in 6 hours. all the equipment is taken out in my name because she refused to go get it. and now she wont do editing because she "isn't good with technology". i really want to tell her to fuck off.

To dye for?

I love to dye my hair. the color change makes me feel good about myself and I could never figure out why until today. It's something that I control and no one else. When things feel like I have no control, I change the color. And I realized recently that I had done it when I lost control of things that I hadn't really lost control of. If that makes sense outside my head. When my grades weren't too good, when I had made a bad impression and it needed to be a good one.
well today I feel like i lost control. I'm having mood swings and I cant get control of them. my grandfather isn't doing fantastic. getting better but I'm still scared all the time for him. my mom is taking care of him and so she can't be home and I miss her terribly. my roommate is barely around. and i feel like I'm drowning in school work sometimes. i feel like no matter how i try to make friends i fail and i end up being known as a freak. its not as bad as it could be, but the whole emotional roller coaster makes it worse and makes me freak out. so I'm trying temporary color. coz I'm only kinda losing control?

bitchfest. because I have no roommate to talk to.

so lately I feel like I've been slipping through the cracks. My roommate has this new boyfriend and because of that she is never around anymore. She drives me crazy sometimes, but I guess that's to be expected when you live with your friend. It'd be nice if she was around, because I kinda need someone to talk to. Not like "oh my world is falling apart I desperately need a friend." But when the little things bug me or make me happy, its nice to have someone there to talk to. It's one of the big reasons I gave up a single and got a roommate, because I was sick of being alone in the room all the time. Well that went well for a little bit, but now I'm alone all the time, because my friends have their own plans with their roommates. And mine spends all her time, even nights, at her boyfriend's house. Than she comes back for clothes and won't really talk to me because her boyfriend is out in the car and she doesn't want to keep him waiting.

My boyfriend spends a ton of time with his friends. Which is fantastic, and I'm really happy about that. antisocial guys are kinda clingy. But usually he spends like 4-5 hours with them (not including classes together and meals) and plays video games for hours. Then tells me he can only spend like 1-2 hours with me because he doesn't have enough time. sometimes I get to see him for longer than that. Like last night he came over early because he had plans with his friends when he's usually with me. so I got him for about 3 hours which was amazing. But that doesn't happen much. If I want to spend more time with him, it's at meals or watching him play video games sometimes. woo hoo?

And because of the fact that my grandparents are sick, my mom is in NY and my dad has to be taking care of the house and my brother and his job. So I don't get to spend much time with them. So overall, I guess I'm feeling alone. which i know I'm really not, but it really really feels like it. i keep trying to go do stuff with my friends from last semester, but they are always doing things that cost money, or i have to get a ride because I found out after they've left. it feels like they don't want me around. So here I sit. In my dorm room. Alone. As usual. And this is what I'll be doing tonight as well. Doesn't this sound like a blast?

Grandparents

So in the past few months, my grandparents on my moms side have not been doing well. My grandmother became ill fist, but its arguable she's been ill for a while. She has never been a pleasant person (in my lifetime, if she was it was before my memory), but it got much worse. Due to strokes she has had (in all honesty I don't remember when, just that they occurred), she developed Dementia. She forgets when and where she is, and at times forgets who her own family is. It's a harsh feeling, knowing that my own grandmother doesn't think I exist or remember my name at times, but I try not to take it personally. It's not on purpose, and I have an odd feeling she would feel truly bad if she knew that she forgets. She would never admit it or apologize though. Its a strange feeling, being hurt by a women who I have not thought highly of my whole life. It's strange wanting her to remember me when most of my life I would have considered it a blessing to be ignored. It's hard realizing that I really love my grandmother and that I'll be sad when she dies. I'm still not sure how to deal with that. Which sounds harsh and callous, but I do not feel like going into why this is a new feeling. nearly 20 years of history cannot be conveyed properly in one blog.

My grandfather is also not doing well. Lately he's been getting better, but there was a time when we didn't think he'd be around much longer. His heart had been having difficulties. That was the hardest part. My grandfather and I aren't close in the sense that he lives a block down and I spend all my free time with him, but I like to consider him close. He knows about most of my life and he comments. He and I have our traditions and memories and I don't know what I'd do without him. Someday I'll have to figure that out, but it can't happen for many many years. I wouldn't be able to handle losing him now, and neither would my mom. My mom and my grandfather are incredibly close. I hope that my dad and I are like that. They get each other and my grandfather acts differently with her. It's very touching.

I just needed to write about this somewhere. This is a good a place as any.

An interesting thing happened on the way to the dining hall

A very interesting thing happens when you move. you start to realize how you felt about people or things from your past that you wouldn't have realized otherwise, or would have taken much longer to discover. i miss going to the pizza place, Papa Vs, and ordering without a menu. I miss being around campus and knowing a million people. I miss Mansfield when it snows and sitting in Manser to avoid the weather. And being with my fraternity family.

And the strangest thing is that I've realized i miss people I never thought I'd miss. People that in reality I barely knew, but enjoyed seeing them anyway. I miss my friends back home and I miss seeing people I've come to consider a second family. I miss my older brother so badly. Even after all that happened in that tiny town, all the bullshit and drama and pain. It's home to me, or at least the first place I consider home.

Sugar, Spice, and everything's nice

Science shows that those who think happy thoughts and tend to be healthier individuals who lead longer lives. in an society where we love to complain, whine, moan, and watch terribly depressing news stations, one website has decided to listen to science.

http://www.gratitudelog.com asks "What are you grateful for?" on a daily basis, challenging its members to think positively and live longer. My mom first showed me the site and since than I have joined the club of happy posters. it works a lot like twitter, with short postings and not much else. but its full of smiles, happy thoughts, rainbows, puppies and flowers.

to follow what I'm grateful for, look up my username: rennermj15