Wednesday, September 22, 2010
pleading with the Gods to not get sick
No body. you are not getting sick. not allowed. don't do this to me! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
My thoughts on.... high school
My high school, the one I graduated from, sucked. a lot. I loved it at the time but now i cant figure out why. i was constantly getting drawn into drama and, to be honest, either causing it or something. because it was constantly going on, it didn't have the stigma that most schools attach to it. no one lived "drama free" for even a week at that school. once I graduated and got away from most people, it calmed down and i realized how horrible the place had been.
After high school, I attended college literally up the street from my high school. Which is where the few people who do go to college end up. So I saw the high school people everyday AGAIN because even if they didnt go to college, they would make friends up there and come visit their high school friends. so college and high school collided and i ended up going to High School Part II as i called it. because no matter how much I avoided them, I ended up hearing about everyones bullshit drama. some of it was legitimate concerns and problems and I didn't mind helping with those. But when it became "Bitch gonna die coz she looked at my exboyfriend!", thats when I started running.
When I changed colleges and transfered out, I thought "YAY I'M FREE!" and deleted everyone off my facebook that caused the bullshit drama. I've been living without it now for over a year (jeez i feel like I'm doing AA) and never felt better. But one thing I hadn't realized is that as those high school friends make more friends on campus, they are going to make friends with my old friends and they are going to bring those friends into the drama. so when I talk to these people who i've been friends with for years, i get to hear all about it unless i just rudely say "i left and i don't want to hear about the shit going on there". which I did do and got bitched at for an hour for being a horrible friend.
the other night, I lost another friend to one particular bitch that i thought i was best friends with, but later discovered i was just the latest fad. they dated and he remained friends with me thru that. and now that they are just fuck buddies, he's turned into an asshole and just has become a pretty condescending jerk. I've been friends with this guy for over 4 years.
I hate high school. and it wont leave me alone.
After high school, I attended college literally up the street from my high school. Which is where the few people who do go to college end up. So I saw the high school people everyday AGAIN because even if they didnt go to college, they would make friends up there and come visit their high school friends. so college and high school collided and i ended up going to High School Part II as i called it. because no matter how much I avoided them, I ended up hearing about everyones bullshit drama. some of it was legitimate concerns and problems and I didn't mind helping with those. But when it became "Bitch gonna die coz she looked at my exboyfriend!", thats when I started running.
When I changed colleges and transfered out, I thought "YAY I'M FREE!" and deleted everyone off my facebook that caused the bullshit drama. I've been living without it now for over a year (jeez i feel like I'm doing AA) and never felt better. But one thing I hadn't realized is that as those high school friends make more friends on campus, they are going to make friends with my old friends and they are going to bring those friends into the drama. so when I talk to these people who i've been friends with for years, i get to hear all about it unless i just rudely say "i left and i don't want to hear about the shit going on there". which I did do and got bitched at for an hour for being a horrible friend.
the other night, I lost another friend to one particular bitch that i thought i was best friends with, but later discovered i was just the latest fad. they dated and he remained friends with me thru that. and now that they are just fuck buddies, he's turned into an asshole and just has become a pretty condescending jerk. I've been friends with this guy for over 4 years.
I hate high school. and it wont leave me alone.
Monday, September 20, 2010
My thoughts on..... relationships
I've had a lot of practice at relationships (romantic and otherwise) and I've only recently started to consider myself a good partner. Part of it is me, and part of it is because I pair myself with people I'm not compatible with. But I've taken a lot of time to think about what I need, what I want, what I'm willing to mildly compromise on. That means in terms of the person, the relationship itself, and from myself.
A relationship of any form is so much more than my words can adequately express. It's not the physical displays. Those are part of some relationships, but not all. A relationship is about sharing. Experiences, memories, emotions, time, events, everything. It's about trust, trusting that person to care about what you say, to interact with you, to keep what you say confidential when its needed. It's about knowing someone, about being there for them through the happy times when its fun and through the sad and hard times when it feels like it will never end. it's about identifying problems or parts of the relationship that aren't perfect and working to fix them before they destroy a relationship, or realizing that this pairing has run its course and parting responsibly.
Most people believe that when you get your heart involved, it gets more complicated. My question is, why isn't your heart involved in your friendships? My relationships with my friends are just as important to me as a relationship with a boy I have. My heart gets involved and I love them and care about them. Differently, of course, but I still have my heart in that relationship. So why is it your "heart" that people mention when they talk about a relationship of the romantic variety? Perhaps its just a different part of the heart they are referring to.
When romantic relationships come into play, that's where it gets a little fuzzy for me, but at the same time so much clearer. My friends come in a variety of personalities. I love them for so many reasons and they are truly wonderful people that I can rely on; I don't know what I would do without them.
A romantic relationship crosses a line that is drawn in friendly relationships and becomes a whole new entity. New rules, new expectations, new boundaries, new everything. But the people (in theory) remain the same. At the core of the relationship is friendship. An emotional connection that means you care for this person beyond what is expected in friendship. It's not holding hands, or sex, or kissing or hugging, or cuddling together. That's part of it (usually), but it should not be all of the relationship (of the kind I mean). Romantic relationships should still have that core of friendship tho. You're significant other (notice the wording of that term for "partner" in a romantic relationship. significant, as if a friend isn't? and yet we all understand it to mean the man or woman you as an individual are involved with. sorry, that was a side note) should be someone you can tell absolutely anything to, because you've trusted yourself to them in a way that is only theirs for the time. There may have been someone in the past that was trusted this way, but for some reason that isn't the case anymore and this new/more recent person has taken a place in your heart.
I used to believe that relationships were more for companionship and to fill a place in me that felt empty. Recently tho, I've started realizing I can fill those places all by myself and my friends give me the companionship I crave. I trust them and love them in a way that makes me feel not so lonely and I'm beginning to know myself in a way that allows me to be ok spending hours and hours alone because I see it differently. It's important to have that time. It doesn't make me unpopular or unliked, I could have company if I wanted or needed it. I could have a boyfriend or a "special someone" in my life, but I don't because I'm with me. I'm improving my relationship with friends and learning how to be on my own. I haven't been on my own for a significant (any time over 3 months) amount of time since I was 15 (I believe). I'm 20 now, which means that in over 5 years, I've spent the majority of my time with a boyfriend. I need to get some perspective and remember what its like to be truly single again.
A relationship of any form is so much more than my words can adequately express. It's not the physical displays. Those are part of some relationships, but not all. A relationship is about sharing. Experiences, memories, emotions, time, events, everything. It's about trust, trusting that person to care about what you say, to interact with you, to keep what you say confidential when its needed. It's about knowing someone, about being there for them through the happy times when its fun and through the sad and hard times when it feels like it will never end. it's about identifying problems or parts of the relationship that aren't perfect and working to fix them before they destroy a relationship, or realizing that this pairing has run its course and parting responsibly.
Most people believe that when you get your heart involved, it gets more complicated. My question is, why isn't your heart involved in your friendships? My relationships with my friends are just as important to me as a relationship with a boy I have. My heart gets involved and I love them and care about them. Differently, of course, but I still have my heart in that relationship. So why is it your "heart" that people mention when they talk about a relationship of the romantic variety? Perhaps its just a different part of the heart they are referring to.
When romantic relationships come into play, that's where it gets a little fuzzy for me, but at the same time so much clearer. My friends come in a variety of personalities. I love them for so many reasons and they are truly wonderful people that I can rely on; I don't know what I would do without them.
A romantic relationship crosses a line that is drawn in friendly relationships and becomes a whole new entity. New rules, new expectations, new boundaries, new everything. But the people (in theory) remain the same. At the core of the relationship is friendship. An emotional connection that means you care for this person beyond what is expected in friendship. It's not holding hands, or sex, or kissing or hugging, or cuddling together. That's part of it (usually), but it should not be all of the relationship (of the kind I mean). Romantic relationships should still have that core of friendship tho. You're significant other (notice the wording of that term for "partner" in a romantic relationship. significant, as if a friend isn't? and yet we all understand it to mean the man or woman you as an individual are involved with. sorry, that was a side note) should be someone you can tell absolutely anything to, because you've trusted yourself to them in a way that is only theirs for the time. There may have been someone in the past that was trusted this way, but for some reason that isn't the case anymore and this new/more recent person has taken a place in your heart.
I used to believe that relationships were more for companionship and to fill a place in me that felt empty. Recently tho, I've started realizing I can fill those places all by myself and my friends give me the companionship I crave. I trust them and love them in a way that makes me feel not so lonely and I'm beginning to know myself in a way that allows me to be ok spending hours and hours alone because I see it differently. It's important to have that time. It doesn't make me unpopular or unliked, I could have company if I wanted or needed it. I could have a boyfriend or a "special someone" in my life, but I don't because I'm with me. I'm improving my relationship with friends and learning how to be on my own. I haven't been on my own for a significant (any time over 3 months) amount of time since I was 15 (I believe). I'm 20 now, which means that in over 5 years, I've spent the majority of my time with a boyfriend. I need to get some perspective and remember what its like to be truly single again.
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